Protected: day one

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stuff i forgot to tell you

So yeah, my first date with the dildo-cam went un-posted-about. How the hell did that happen? It was a super awesome appointment on Monday, and I have my second on Thursday. Is it wrong to look forward to it? Not that it was good in that way, but the woman doing the ultrasound was so cool. First of all, she let me insert the pleasure-scope myself, which I thought was super empowering and inclusive and awesome. Then, she was explaining everything and showing me everything on the screen – my uterus, each ovary, my follicles, and also some major veins and arteries in there. She even switched the screen to colour for a while so that I could see the blood going through and showed different views. It was super fun and interesting – my nerdiness is showing, I know, but how many chances do you get in life to see your insides like that? I was kind of wishing she could give me a printout of just my lady bits, even if there is no baby in there yet.  When she was showing me the follicles, she mentioned that they don’t want too many or they worry about hyper-stimulation. So I told her there’s no worry for right now as I’m not taking Clomid this cycle (hopefully ever, but we’ll see) and she said, “Oh, good for you!” I thought that was way cooler than the raised eyebrow and dubious looks I usually get.

My largest follicle was 12.2, and I’m going back tomorrow for the second scan to see where we are at and when they need to give me the HCG shot and then do the IUI. Probably over the weekend I’m guessing, which would be good. I’m getting excited again. Of course. Even though I was bummed that last cycle was a negative, I feel ok about just letting my emotions do what they are going to do anyway. Not like you can really stop hope, or excitement, or worry. I’ve tried, but it doesn’t really work for me. All the rationalizations are there, but for me, my emotions just keep on coming and they don’t seem to pay much attention to my brain. Which is fine. And I am also realizing that although I’ve been waiting a long time, I haven’t had the experience of repeated disappointments, which is what seems to thicken the infertile skin and make people a bit more guarded. Because of our unique circumstances, I’m new at all this trying business. So I figure I might as well enjoy it as much as I can. Why rob myself?

To change the topic – my best friend is not actually named “Moonbeam.” It’s her nickname that only I use. It dates back to our high school days and is admittedly granola-to-the-max. And so is she, really. And, when you get right down to it, so am I. I just don’t always look granola. But my heart is oh-so-crunchy. So, Io, sorry to disappoint. Although I feel confident I can deliver in other ways. Have I ever told you that I use cloth menstrual pads?