Show & Tell: Lilies

Here are some photos of the lilies that are growing in my yard. Because we moved into this house in the winter, I’ve been discovering all summer what kinds of perennials are in the garden. Lilies are some of my favourite flowers and I’m thrilled with the colours that are here – we also have a few bright orange and one yellow one, but the plants are smaller and have just one or two blooms. Next year I will be adding other varieties since I know they thrive here – I love how bold and showy they are and how long the flowers last.

It occured to me as I was writing this that the process of discovering a garden that you didn’t design or plant but are now in charge of is a pretty damn good analogy for what it’s going to be like meeting my child and getting to know him or her. Especially because our child was donor-conceived – there is a greater sense of mystery to it all, I guess. Already I am waiting with great anticipation to meet this little person and to find out what he or she looks like, what kind of temperament he/she is going to have. And I hope I can keep my heart open to all the unexpected parts as we grow together, just like I waited anxiously for these yellow and burgundy lilies to open up, having no idea what colour they would be, but was filled with joy when they finally burst open one morning.

Go see what everyone else is showing and telling over here!

Hair and belly photos

As promised, here are some shots of my new haircut and also my first publicly available belly shots. The hair is awesomer than it looks – I forgot to take a picture before flamenco where I got all sweaty and made the hair slightly flat. I think my head is cut off in the belly pic – we can all blame Manny for that. Also, sorry if the formatting is off – I’m testing out the iPho.ne Wordpr.ess app for posting and adding photos.

swamped

Oy! I have been meaning to write more, and there is plenty to write about. Time, however, has been in short supply ’round these parts. I am resorting to bullets to catch you up on the happenings of the past few weeks, and hopefully soon I will get around to writing a few of the deep posts that have been swirling around my head lately. 

• My dad was in the hospital for 8 days because he had one of these. He’s ok, they caught it in time, and they’ve finally sorted out the medication enough that they let him out.  Scary as hell, though, especially since it was his second episode.
• During the time my dad was in the hospital, my mom was struck by a terrible stomach bug, so not only could she not even visit my dad, but she couldn’t even leave the house.  She’s sort of on the mend, but it’s been ugly. 
• My parents live a 3 hour plane trip from me, and I can’t afford to just fly out on short notice. Even though I wanted to, really badly. 
• Between talking to both my parents separately, my sisters and my grandparents who are here in town, I spent a lot of time on the phone over the past week and a half. 
• During that time, I was also putting the finishing touches on the article I was writing and getting it submitted to the editor, working on revamping how our support group works (more on this in a future post), carrying on my yoga and flamenco classes, working, living, AND dealing with the thrice-or-more weekly rehearsals of Manny’s first punk band that is reuniting for a one-time only gig opening for a band they used to play with many, many years ago.  Fortunately, said gig is happening tonight and therefore I will soon get my house and my evenings back. 
• Now, my youngest  sister, who lives at least in the same province but a 2.5 hour drive away, is facing her father in law’s health crisis and the very real possibility of his death within the next few weeks. And I am upset for her and for my brother in law and also, especially, for my sweet 5 year old nephew who has just been starting to have his existential crisis about death and what it means. I am sensitive about this kind of stuff at the best of times, but it’s really hitting me hard at the moment – just feeling helpless and shaken by the closeness of death and wanting to do something to help ease this process for my nephew in particular. But also feeling, because of the events of the past couple weeks, completely drained and exhausted and depleted. 

I think that about covers it. Other things have been going well – we had our 19 week u/s this week and all looks good. The wee bit has turned breech and has been kicking me in the bladder and cervix and other down low things. It feels really, really weird, but every single thump is about the best moment of my life. Physically, I’ve been feeling quite good, and I’m sure if I can just get some good rest and time to really re-connect with myself, I’ll feel better all around. 

Tonight, however, punk rock beckons.

recent conversation

Starting on Monday, I have really been feeling the baby move. I was feeling it last week but it was very faint and usually didn’t last very long, so it was hard to be sure. But Monday was the day when it became clear that there is a human being in my belly. I was talking to my sister last night and asked to talk to my nephew, O, who is 5. Here’s how it went down:

Me: Hi, O! Tantie has something really special to tell you. 

O: What is it?

Me: Remember how I told you I have a baby in my belly?

O: Yes. 

Me: Well, I can feel the baby moving all around now!

O: (Long pause as if he’s thinking of what to say.) Sweet!

 

I can’t believe how great his slang usage is – before we know it, he’ll be swearing like a trucker to make his Tantie and her homegirl, Eden, very proud.

travel plans

First off, all is well. I’ve been quiet lately cause I don’t know what to write anymore. I don’t know how to write about what’s going on with me (email or comment if you haven’t read it yet and want the password) without being really, really boring. And since it’s still top-secret, I don’t want to let it all hang out here. I’m also working on setting up a separate blog, but I haven’t yet decided if it will be completely open to people I know in real life or if it will be invite-only, or what. Basically, I’m still letting it sink in, and it’s hard to write while so much energy is going towards digesting the current state of affairs. Kind of like how going for a walk when you are absolutely stuffed with turkey and gravy and potatoes and pie is a really bad idea. You need to give it some time to settle.  So that’s what I’m doing. 

An excellent distraction and yet another excuse for minimal blogging is my upcoming trip out to BC’s Lower Mainland and Vancouver Island. I get out to the Lower Mainland March 11 and probably will be there until the 17 or 18, when we’ll head over to Victoria. So, bloggy peeps, if you are in the area and are so inclined, I’d love to meet you! Ideally, I’d like to arrange a big get together of bloggers – partly because my time is precious and I’d like to see as many of you as I can, and partly because I practically swoon with envy everytime I see a photo of big gatherings of bloggy girls.  I imagine us taking over an awesome cafe somewhere and totally bonding over lattes and chocolate croissants. Can you dig it?

Let me know if you’re interested and we’ll try to find a time that works. I’m still up for doing some individual visits, but since I’ll be visiting family, I need to guard my time with them to some extent. My mom can get a bit pouty if I don’t smother her with my presence during her available hours.

overdue honest scrap

I’ve been awarded the Honest Scrap award by the lovely, brilliant and charming Loribeth, noswimmers, Blood Signs, and Kate. And because I’m lazy, and also too dumb to figure out how to get the jpg copied and pasted, it took me this long to post the prize and my response. Fortunately for me, the aforementioned Kate is a Mac genius (in addition to her many other kinds of genius) and so she send me the image file along with an explanation of how to do it for next time.

In addition to getting the awesomely retro icon to display on your blog, the other privilege of winning the Honest Scrap award is posting 10 honest things about yourself, which sort of makes me laugh cause that’s about all I write about here, much to the chagrin of people who find my blog by searching “how to get fucked up on things you have around the house.” I don’t know what they are looking for – perhaps there is a secret intoxicating blend of the right proportions of baking soda, dog food, cumin and shampoo that I don’t know about. I guess I just made it even easier for them to find me, but I don’t think there’s too much risk of people I know in real life googling that phrase and finding my blog. I have a strong sense that everyone I know has a pretty good idea of how to get fucked up without googling. Ahem.

1. Ever since I was a brooding 16 year old reading Camus, I’ve wanted to go to North Africa. 
2. I am constantly making up new words to old songs that I can sing to and about my dog, Lucky. My most recent triumph was re-lyricizing Pink Floyd’s “Money” to be all about his gross habits. Sample line:  Lucky! You have gingiviiiii-tis! And you lick your wang like it’s going out of style!
3. I got a Braun Sil.k-Ep.il for my birthday and I love it and will be forever indebted to Lori for her recommendation over at All Thumbs Review.
4. We are still not completely unpacked from our move in November. Sigh. 
5. I’m obsessed by the Dir.ect B.uy commercials and I nurture a deep and abiding dislike for everyone who appears in them, except for one woman who I sort of like for no clear reason.
6. I’d like to learn how to do some basic home repair like plumbing and wiring. Just cause.
7. I met my husband when I was a waitress slinging beer and he was being  slung beer.  
8. Despite what I said a few posts ago about how much it blows being an adult, I get happier as I get older. Whew!
9. I’m starting to have an idea about what I’d like to be when I grow up, but it’s all still very fuzzy. Maybe that’s because what I really want to be is a house wife, and everything else holds little appeal for me beyond the money. 
10. I consider myself a grammar nerd but I still think I use too many commas, and am ashamed to say that the rules of comma use are not really clear to me. 

Now is the part where I’m supposed to pick 7 people whose blogs I find brilliant in content or design. In no particular order, I bestow the right to display the above icon and the privilege/obligation of posting a response upon:

Eden at Life….It’s Nothing Like the Brochure. If you don’t read Eden’s blog, you should. She can speak her truth so powerfully and will make you pee your pants and cry your eyes out. Often in the same post.

Pam at Blood Signs. Brilliant, brave, and beautiful. She can tell a story that is at once an intricate tapestry and a sun-bleached skeleton. She makes me want to work on becoming a better writer.

Jendeis at Sell Crazy Someplace Else. Jendeis is a woman with a tremendous brain and a huge heart, and the courage to lay it all down on her blog. She rocks super hard, offering support even when she’s going through some seriously rough times. I heart Jendeis.

s.e. at Riding the Roller Coaster. s.e. has the amazing ability to stay in the heart space and write it all down. Her spirit is a shining light to me and to so many others here in blogland, and I’m lucky to call her my friend.

circlesbecomeme at My scar smiles at me, I don’t always smile back. This is a woman who has gone through and continues to go through so much in life. And she is a woman who manages to find joy and lusciousness in the simplicity of the world around her. The story of her life and the photos that often accompany it on her blog are like a loaf of freshly baked bread – so perfectly beautiful and pure that it can bring tears to your eyes as it nourishes you.

Spicy Sister.  Spicy’s not blogging quite so much these days,  as she is busy being a new mama to her beautiful son, Zane. But she continues to write straight from her radiant heart. There is no filler with Spicy Sister; everything has been distilled to its very essence.

Io at Who Shot My Stork?  She’s back to blogging after a break, and I couldn’t be happier. Io is one of the first bloggers I connected with and when she became my friend way back in those early days, I felt like a dorky 13 year old being called up to hang with the cool kids.  She’s a funny, angry, sweet girl and is perfectly honest and scrappy, just like this award.

And if you’re one of the people who haven’t yet received this award, jump right in. I am somewhat of an anarchist when it comes to memes and awards – I reckon if you want to do it, you shouldn’t have to wait for someone to tag you.

something funny about the octuplets

I haven’t written about them, and I probably won’t, since it’s all been said before by people much cleverer than I. But I could not resist sharing this. 

I’m still laughing. Even though, like many jokes on The Onion, it falls just on the hilarious side of offensive.

i’ll take ‘hodge podge’ for $200, please, Alex

Just stumbled across this today – it’s an interesting take on the isolation that comes when people don’t know what to say and therefore say the wrong thing. The author is talking about her experience of breast cancer, but it really resonated with me and my experience of infertility. 

Our darling Mel from Stirrup Queens is a finalist for the Weblog Awards under best medical/health blog. Voting goes from now until the 13th (next Tuesday) and you can vote daily by clicking here and then clicking on Stirrup Queens. Please go everyday until voting ends and let the world know how much we love Mel and her amazing powers of genius, compassion, and insight. 

I’m down slightly off my high of earlier this week, but still feeling pretty good. I have been walking to and from work everyday despite it being tit-numbingly cold here for the past month, plus occasional dog walks, plus flamenco started up again last night, plus I start a new yoga class tonight. So I’m getting lots of exercise and have done fairly well with eating better. I’m trying to be good but not perfect, which is actually harder for me than being perfect, cause I tend to lose control once I have a small amount of something I’m not supposed to have, but I’m happier, it’s easier and in the long term much more sustainable if I can just learn to have  a spoonful of sour cream in my borscht and not use that as an excuse to eat a whole bag of Doritos and a brick of cheese.  We shall see. 

My work is absurdly slow right now – if I wasn’t on a one-year contract, I’d probably get laid off. It doesn’t bode overly well for becoming permanent at the end of the contract, but this work is very seasonal and so far I’m being told to be cautiously optimistic. Fine by me – I’m not in love with this job, but the benefits are amazing and it’s very manageable in terms of work-life balance, and I could actually see myself returning to work with a small child and being able to hack it. Ultimately, I’d like to stay home, but if I go back to work after the first one and get pregnant fairly soon thereafter, I’ll be able to get a second year of maternity leave and then quit after that. Not to get too entitled, but we all support the system and it would be great to be able to take advantage of it when it’s my turn.  Assuming my turn will indeed come. 

The upside of the slow work is that I’m blogging more and answering comments and emails. So you can expect to see more of me around these parts for the next while.  And stay tuned for an exciting event – my 100th post is coming up soon, and I’ll be throwing myself a bit of a party. 

Show & Tell

Well, I’ve been absent from the head of the class for a while now, but today I have something very good to share with everyone. No, it’s not pictures of my new house, which is still not in much of a presentable state. Instead, I am sharing the Christmas presents I am making for my parents and sisters. On my side of the family, we draw names among my grandparents and aunt and uncle and my whole family. But with my parents and sisters, we also give each other small gifts. When I was in high school we started with a tradition of $5 or less per person. And strangely, we all wound up getting better stuff. But over the years, the price started creeping up and we started getting more into the presents again, so for the past few years we’ve returned to simple gifts and a stricter price limit. Last year, we all gave each other books we already had in our collections and didn’t really spend any money at all.

This year, the theme is Christmas ornaments, and we’re just giving them from household to household instead of to each person individually. I have been pondering what to do, and was thinking of various ways to make ornaments using my enormous stash of crafting materials. I had pretty much settled on needle felting, and was planning on doing pretty routine Christmas-y things until this afternoon, when I sat down with my wool and needles and block of foam and started playing around. And I came up with this:

Sorry for the photo quality – it’s late at night and I took the picture with my iPhone. But you get the idea. I will add sparkly loops of thread and then there will be little nigiri and maki sushi Christmas ornaments on all our trees.

I love myself so much today. My favorite so far is the 3D lettuce on the dynamite roll at front right.

Go on over and see who else is standing at the head of the class today.

the latest latest

Ok, dudes. Here’s me with my lovely new haircut. I’m so in love with it – I went to a new hairdresser today and she did such a good job. I was feeling guilty about breaking up with my last hairdresser, but no longer. This was a way better cut than I had been getting before, and I just felt like this woman today listened to me a lot more and was way more responsive. So hurrah! The way it is now is really easy to style, but I can also do it so it’s chunkier and more textured-looking and a bit more funky. As my mom said the other day, “I want a haircut that is funky but that I can preach at the cathedral in.” And although I’m not planning on delivering any sermons anytime soon (other than the informal, political, isn’t-Annacyclopedia-so-knowledgeable-and-wise-and-blessed-with-the-right-opinions-on-everything kind of sermons), I think this haircut meets both standards. And I am happy about that.

Here’s me yesterday with what appears to be a forehead made of solid gold. Alas, even with commodity prices tanking along with the rest of the economy, it is not solid gold, just very shiny and apparently at odds with the harsh overhead lighting of the office.

My problem with my hair is that if it’s long enough to be in a ponytail, it is in a ponytail, hence the frumptasticness of the second photo. I had been considering keeping it long because my flamenco recital is coming up next month, and long hair and flamenco kind of go well together, like yogurt and granola. But I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and now that it’s all chopped off, I’m so relieved. Nothing like a good haircut to make a girl feel all shiny and new.

So that is my glamorous life – cool hair, cool gadget (both photos were taken with the iPhone, by the way, although I don’t know how to upload them to the blog directly from the phone) and, although it’s not news to anyone, cool method of reproduction. I’m feeling so modern today that I scoff at anyone who conceives the usual way. Plain old sex? Ha! So inefficient and time consuming! I have the imported sperm delivered directly to the top of my uterus at exactly the right time! It is specially selected and purified, kind of like Fiji Water. Very prestigious, I tell you. It’s the must-have assisted conception method of the season.

I have to say that having the iPhone is making the wait a lot more bearable, just because I can’t seem to put the damn thing down and am therefore constantly distracted. I realized the other day, though, that the previous tries have all been rather light for me, and this one is certainly not. I have a lot more hope of this actually working, which comes with some of the fear I alluded to earlier this week, and I realized this time how much more I want this. Not that I didn’t want it before. But this time, I REALLY want it. I’m really feeling the pain of what the Buddhists call “wanting mind.” Just seeing very clearly how much suffering comes with attachment. But it’s not an attachment I’m working on releasing myself from anytime soon, just in case “The Secret” people are right and my thoughts do create my reality. Covering all bases, so I am.

My visualizations have certainly been aided by knowing that you lot were all holding me up on Wednesday and sending me and the cells virtual bearskin rugs and Barry White and fine wine and violins and stuff. I spent some time with Dr. Google the other day to get a clearer picture of the process of conception, and apparently, my embryo, if it exists, is in the free-floating stage right now, as it’s too early for it to have implanted. So I keep picturing it as the screensaver thing that everyone watches during meetings on “The Office” and cheers for it to hit the corner exactly. Just bouncing around. I’m picturing the seed being planted in the garden and surrounded by velvety, irridescent orchid petals, too, and the cells merging and dividing and all that, too – never fear. But the screen saver is the dominant image for me the last few days.

There you have it, internets. The glamourous life of Annacyclopedia on a very windy Saturday in October.