shooting up at work

Why yes, I did. I even did it in my belly instead of my thigh, just for a change. Now it’s itchy and I’m trying not to scratch. Good times. 

Had my scan this morning to find that despite my feeling crampy and bloated on the right side especially, my trusty left ovary has delivered the winner once again. A very tender 19.5 mm follicle – I was really wincing during the probulation this morning. My right side had 2 smaller ones (didn’t ask for the numbers), and my lining is at a fairly skinny 5.7, but since I’m not having my dIUI until tomorrow afternoon, they say not to worry about it as it will likely grow.  I’m not going to stress too much since there’s nothing I can do beyond whispering tender encouragement to my endometrium. Not to say I won’t do that, too, but I’m trying lately to not get caught up in the numbers. Knowing them just makes me crazy, and even though I’m compelled to ask for them anyway, I am clinging to the thought that lots of people get pregnant with a skinny lining, or a moderate follicle, or whatever, and nobody ever knows cause it happens mysteriously and in secret and spontaneously, without everybody and their dog peering in to get a look.  So there, numbers and purveyors of numbers. 

Manny has to be away for work tomorrow, so he won’t be with me for the IUI. I’m trying to think about who to ask to come with me – probably someone from my women’s group who knows the score. It’ll be weird not having Manny there, but my superstitious side is looking for things that will be different, and so I’m wondering if this will be what changes our luck so far. Also, we’re using a brand new donor with a proven track record of reported pregnancies, which our last donor didn’t have. I’m feeling very good and hopeful about it all. It was fun all over again picking the new donor – it’s sort of weird that it’s so much fun, but it is. Mostly we just laugh at the ones we would never pick, and the randomness of some of the things people include in their profiles. It went quicker this time – I guess we’re both more in tune with what we’re looking for, and more trusting of our instincts. And I’m also trusting Manny more that he’s not just doing what I want to keep me happy – that he’s expressing his own opinions, too. Which is a huge fucking relief, let me tell you. The power struggles over “Are you doing this because this is what you want or because you think it’s what I want?”  and “Why don’t you believe me when I say this is what I want?” and the subsequent hair-pulling-out-ing by yours truly and the “Well, if you had ever once disagreed with me about anything I might have a fucking half a clue that you are capable of standing up for your own desires, but since you never have, I’m constantly wondering whether I’m railroading you into a whole lot of immense life decisions” were exhausting. Really exhausting. Glad we seem to be past that for the moment. 

So tomorrow at 3:30 I will be being sperminated for hopefully the last time in a long while. Wish me luck, internets.

riding the clomid pony

Yes, I am. Today is day 6 of my cycle and day 5 on the clomid. For some reason my doctor does days 2-6 instead of 5-9 which seems to be the norm. Whatever. All I know is that I woke up twice in the night having hot flashes and have been getting them pretty regularly during the day. And I have the attention span of a gnat and a headache. Good thing my trusty pony knows the way through all these trials and tribulations. I’m really just along for the ride. 

I’m not hallucinating the whole pony thing, but it is kind of how Clomid seems to me, plodding along, enough side effects to know that something is happening, but it’s not like I’m gallopping along some windswept clifftop. Twice a day I take a little white pill with some hope that it is doing something, like performing a ritual I’ve not yet sorted out whether I believe in or not. I’ve developped a weird tic of needing to make sure it’s actually in my mouth before I take a sip of water, so I’ve got all these mental images now of my tongue with a white dot on it, reflected back at me in the glass fronts of my kitchen cupboards. 

For some reason, I’m feeling optimistic about this whole 2009 thing. I’ve never felt relieved to say goodbye to a year and start a new one. I’m taking that as a sign that good things are in store, for me and for all of us.

the news at 9:23

Good evening. We start tonight’s newscast with the weather – we enjoyed about 6 inches of snow last night, and while a fair bit melted today in the glorious sunshine, it is still pretty snowy out there.

Yes folks, that’s right. When I picked up my sister and nephew yesterday at 1 p.m., it was still fall. When I dropped them off around 4 – it was winter. Gotta love the Canadian prairie. But it was really lovely snow, perfect for snowmen and snowballs and thick, lovely whiteness. Much better than the first snow we usually get, which is barely a skiff but falls in a hideously cold wind, sweeping over the barren brown grass. There are still green leaves on the trees here, for mercy’s sake!

In other news, the merging of the families went splendidly and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We did the draws for Christmas presents and ate a lot of ham. Good times. I didn’t have to resort to drinking myself as I was occupied in the kitchen for much of the evening. Also good.

Day 2 on Clomid and so far, so good. I don’t think I mentioned this before, but my new job has amazing benefits. They cover fertility drugs up to a lifetime maximum of $2500. When I went last week to pick up my prescription for the first time, I paid a grand total, for 2 cycles worth of Clomid, of 42……..CENTS! I just about screamed right there at the pharmacy pick-up counter. What would have been $125 cost me 42 cents. When I got in my car, I was hooting and honking my horn for at least a block!

I’m working the election tomorrow, which will be boring but probably a bit more fun than actual work because there will be more people to visit with. And also cause I really hope we can win back this riding, and I’ll be phoning supporters and harassing them into voting. Stephen Harper and his stupid, evil Tories seem to be cruising for another minority – here’s hoping! Then we’ll get to watch them all slowly implode, and you know there’s really nothing more fun than watching a long, painful, drawn out political death. (I know you are asking yourselves where is the crunchy granola Anna you’ve come to expect here – all I can say is that I’m still here, but with a strong Machiavellian streak you may not have expected.)

And then I have acupuncture at 4:30, and my very first support group meeting at 7:30. Woot!

Thanks for reading, and good night!