Well, I didn’t mean to wait a whole week before posting again, but I guess that’s become my habit of late. First off, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Your comments have helped me find a bit of balance this last week and touched my heart so much. If I said nothing but “thank you” for the rest of my life, it would be insufficient. You are amazing and have so much wisdom – I’m so grateful that you take the time to share it with me.
I had acupuncture on Tuesday and again on Saturday, and she worked on some emotional points which really helped a huge amount. When she did it on Tuesday, I was still very much in turmoil, and when those needles went into my wrists and between my eyes, it really hurt. But I let some more tears come while I was lying there, and when it was done, I felt so much better. I started to see that some space is a good thing right now, like Shinejil said, and that it is good to be able to work on accepting this path even more before I go any further. Every time there’s a bump in the road, my anger comes back – my anger about why I have to do this, why I can’t be like everyone else. I don’t feel like I need to resolve that anger forever before I get pregnant, but it’s good (she says, with a sigh) to have another go ’round with it. Maybe find a new level of peace with all this.
I have other news, about my support group, and how I have made a lot of progress on it, but have been advised by a very wise woman to slow it down a bit and wait until I sort out what I’m really doing, what my intentions are, and what kind of group I want to create for me. I’m still working this through – I’m set to have the first meeting September 9, but if I keep going the way I’m going, it will be less than what I haven’t yet allowed myself to dream it could be. And as my friend pointed out, that might prove to be exhausting for me. I kind of think she’s right, and yet I kind of feel called to do something for the community that is more accessible than what she and I briefly discussed. I think there’s a way to do both, either by doing the group as it’s currently conceived and working more slowly to come up with another group, a true women’s circle, which would be more spiritual, more intimate, or by just taking my time and trying to make the group open to everyone, but with a very clear mission, purpose, and boundaries. I think both are possible, although the latter is probably the better option. I can get really caught up in trying to make things right for others that I lose sight of what feels right for me (co-dependent much?) and I think I’ve already started doing that with this group, as it exists in my brain. Just watering things down too much to try not to alienate anyone.
But what my friend is proposing is nothing short of revolutionary. Not to say it hasn’t been done before – it has, by lots of women – but it’s never really been done before by me. I’ve never set out with a clear vision, guided by my heart, and stayed true to that while trying to build something that includes other people. I tend to muddle my way through and adapt, or I tend to do things completely on my own. Taking on the kind of group building she talked about means not only will I need to get right with myself, but I’ll need to be willing to share leadership and ideas and true vulnerability. I’ll need to be honest, truly honest, with myself and with others.
I realized that I have a lot of fear about doing this – what she described as “calling out for my clan” – because you can’t fake it with you clan. They can see through the bullshit anyway, so what’s the point? And as much as I like to think deep thoughts and question the universe and try to grow and evolve spiritually and emotionally, I’m also pretty fond of denial, laziness, and avoidance. And the prospect of being real all the time is pretty daunting right now.
But as my best friend pointed out last night, this is who I am. My spirit has been asking for this, begging, pleading – for years. Even though my ego might be telling me I have a choice, that I can just go back to where things are bland and comfortable, I really don’t. I have to go forward and go through this. And I’m grateful, if a bit begrudgingly.
*WordPress seems to be acting up today, so if this post appears twice, sorry.
