The KFC sign and the residential motel on the commercial strip in the south end of my city, in the cold, grey, drizzly mess of this morning never looked so beautiful to me as they did today.
Because last Friday, I found a lump in my left breast.
And this morning, I found out it is a cyst, and nothing more.
In between, I have been terrified. My mind has travelled paths that nobody’s mind should ever have to travel, yet I know that many do. I am so humbled – I know that a number of you who are reading this have had to face the test results coming back the wrong way, the way everyone prays for them not to come back, and I am in awe of your courage and strength to keep going in spite of the fear. I’m not arrogant enough to think that I truly understand what it’s like, but I understand more than I did before.
I have been unable to talk about it. Unable to blog about it. Because the fear was so strong – it stole my voice for a while. It was so scary even to think my thoughts, the bad ones. They came anyway. I kept feeling my pulse because I kept having the sense that my heart was pounding. But it was just the fear, pounding.
Today, I finally shared with a friend. She told me about something from Tibetan Buddhism, meant to be pondered every day: “Life is short. Death can come at any moment. Now I must do something worthwhile.”
Now I must do something worthwhile.
It is all worthwhile, and it never looked so beautiful to me.
Dear Anna…I am so sorry you had to live in that fear, even for a moment. I am sorry anyone does. You are worthwhile, and you do so much that is worthwhile. Blessings to you in the beauty of it all.
Oh Anna, when I read you found a lump in your breast my heart just sank.
I am so sorry you had to go through the fear. Sending much love and a huge hug. Yes everything is worthwhile. xx
Oh wow Anna…I am SOO SOO glad that you received good news. Thinking of you.
How terrifying! I had an re tell me he thought I had ovarian cancer right before my last cycle and it was awful and humbling.
Oh my goodness, what a scare! I can’t imagine the thoughts that constantly raced through your mind while you waited. I am so relieved that the news was good. Much love to you.
Oh Anna, that is terrifying. I’m so glad everything is good. So so glad.
So, so glad to read that it was nothing sinister.
And thank you for sharing the Buddhist saying – it really did serve as a valuable reminder to me.
I’m glad it was just a cyst. How scary though! I can imagine how paralyzing that kind of fear must be, a nightmare. So so glad you are okay and moving forward. Thanks for the reminder to live in this moment and do something worthwhile.
Ah, welcome to the sisterhood. The sisterhood of those who had to return to do another x-ray, another ultrasound scan. The one who waits in the waiting room while the doctor reviews the results in a room 10 feet from where you are sitting. The sisterhood who got a cyst or benign lump instead of a cancer diagnosis. Two years ago, I got the all clear and I wept while my husband told me that I needn’t have worried, that he knew everything was just fine. The following year, I massaged cream into the legs of my dying friend. I chanted with another friend who’d been diagnosed with breast cancer. I watched a design show on TV yesterday where I saw a lady with a newborn baby strapped onto her chest. She had a scarf on her head because of her chemo treatment. She was getting her bedroom renovated. In the midst of all illness, fear and death, life still waits for us and it’s always worth it.
I’m glad you’re well, friend. Let’s do our best to keep it that way, eh? I need to go shopping now.
Oh Anna.
I am so grateful to you for sharing this. I’m sitting here in my quiet kitchen after Z’s gone to bed, G gone to a hockey game — and I was thinking of you earlier today — and how I have pretty paper set aside to write you a letter and how days come and go and things I mean to do get swept away.. and Deathstar’s comment made me cry because life…life is so bittersweet.
I love you my friend and am so so to my core relieved for you — and like someone else said — so sorry it touched your life this way.
Love and love,
Pam
I am so happy things have turned out the best way possible! Wow, what a difficult place to be in, that in-between place.
Now you’ve really made me think about what’s worthwhile. I think I’ll go have some ice cream
Exhaling. I hope you have a deliciously sweet weekend.
oh anna, so scary. glad it is nothing serious.
sending you a giant hug. xo
So grateful you are one of the fortunate. I admire how you have turned this awful experience around by gaineing a new perspective from it. You are beautiful, my dear Anna. You are worthwhile.
Oh Anna, I’m so glad you are ok and as always awed in how you turn life’s struggles into something so beautiful. You are a true gardener of the soil of life. I’ve been through the same thing and I still remember how the terror made me mute while I waited (and seriously you know I never shut up!) I’m so glad you’re well – I can’t even bring myself to contemplate a life without you in it. xoxo
How frightening! I’m glad the results came back the good way
I think we all often forget how much of a gift life is.
Oh Anna, So glad that the fear has passed and it was relatively brief (no long dramas of lost test results or waits for doctors that can sometimes happen). Best wishes with the doing even more wonderful things with your time as it stretches long and wonderful ahead of you.
Look forward to hearing how you continue to fill that time meaningfully — filling that void well is a wonderful challenge, just like the the challenge of a blank piece of paper waiting for words. So easy to fill — but hard to fill the way you want. I personally am lost with both challenges. You inspire.
Glad things are better!!!!!
Anna– I am SO GLAD that it was a cyst and nothing more. I’ve been there before, and it is a terrifying place to be. And a wonderfully-relieved place to be on the other side, finding out that it’s not the Big C. So, so happy for you.
How frightening! And what a relief. I hope you never have to experience that kind of fear again.
I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how scared you must have been, and how thankful you are now. I am thankful you are ok, and that we will all have you aorund for a long time.
How deeply I would exhale upon hearing that conclusion. I would have been terrified. I am breathing a sigh of relief just for you and celebrating that it didn’t go the other way. What a gift.
I read this post last week and neglected to comment because I wanted to say just the right thing. I’ve been thinking about you ever since and how it must have felt for you to have to go through that and how I would feel if it was me – and I realized today that I hadn’t commented yet.
I am so, so, so glad to hear that it turned out the right way. What a scary thing for you to have to endure. I can only imagine how that week must have been for you. The world must look so different to you now.
Thinking of you ALOT lately.
xo
I just saw a comment of yours on a blog, and thought, how *is* Anna …. and here you are. I’m just as relieved as you, reading that. I love how you start a post about the fear of a lump and end it with a Buddhist way of living. That right there is why I love you, man. LOVE.
Thank goodness. Sometimes, a lump is just a dumb little non-scary lump. I really needed to read that today, my friend of maple lovliness.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
I’m so late on this post, but I’m glad to hear it wasn’t a lump. I know that must have been such a sinking feeling and I hope you never have to experience this fear again.
I hate that you had that scare, and I am happy that it turned out well for you. Thank you for your blog and writing.
Oh my goodness, Anna — I’m catching up (again) after my vacation & only just saw this post. I am so glad things turned out well for you. (((HUGS)))
I had a mammogram a few years back just before Christmas — didn’t even think about the timing, until my mother said, “Why did you have THAT done NOW??” (Great. Thanks, Mom, for putting ideas in my head.)
And then the phone rang one morning just a few days later & it was my dr’s office. In the past, the results didn’t come back for a week or two — I instantly knew that if they were calling me back so quickly, it must be bad news.
It wasn’t, thankfully — I guess maybe because it WAS Christmas, they were trying to get the results out quickly. But man, for 15 seconds there… the FEAR. My hands were shaking as I hung up the phone.
Holy moly lady! Wowza. What can I say? I’m so glad it turned out alright.