Napping, cooking, swimming, cleaning, preparing, processing, erranding, meeting with my doula, spending time with Manny. And napping.
Dear me, I think this may be a record for time between posts. So much for thinking that once I was off work, I would write more. Partly I’ve been cocooning myself as much as possible, preparing the space in my heart for what is about to happen to my life, to our life. It has taken all this time to bring some of the heavier stuff to light. I tend to work that way – the sign of a true introvert, I think – in that I just need a lot of time alone doing what feels right in the moment, not pushing anything too hard, not journalling, or thinking, or analyzing, but instead just being. And then insight will come, and things will shake loose, and the way will open up.
And the insights have come, finally. For the entire pregnancy until this week, I wasn’t feeling anything about the donor issues except gratitude and happiness that we were finally getting our chance. But on some level, I think I was always waiting for things to flare up, knowing there were things that were not completely resolved or at least that there are parts of this journey we have yet to make our way through. More the latter, really – that this is going to be a lifelong journey for us as a family. Not to say that I think it’s going to be a problem or a struggle – because I really don’t believe that – but more that our having used donor sperm to create this baby is part of our story as a family now.
So this week I’ve done a little bit of opening up to what this means to me right now, and I guess what I’ve discovered is that I have some fears about how we will connect as a family of three. In my heart of hearts, I have a lot of faith that all will unfold beautifully and that we will figure it out together with ease and grace. But there are still questions there, some vulnerability, some fear. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or a sign of my tremendous spiritual growth (the hormones, almost certainly!) but for right now, once I was able to see all of this with some clarity and could find words to express all of it, I feel really at peace with the vulnerability. I don’t need to figure it all out now or have any more certainty that it will all work itself out.
I’ve also got some anxiety about how we will handle the secret/not-secret of this baby’s origins. Lots of people close to us know, but lots don’t. I’m not sure how long that will be sustainable, but at the same time, I’m quite sure that certain people will be better off not knowing and that Manny and I and the baby will be better off with them not knowing. It just feels weird to go into this time of excitement and anticipation and joy and openness and vulnerability without being completely honest. Because I am so explosively proud of us, of our decision, of how we have worked through it all so far, and most of all, of this new life who will be joining us soon. And a secret just doesn’t seem to fit with all that right now.
Within a few weeks, my mind will be otherwise occupied and fussing over these questions will be put aside for a while. Which is fine, because there is no rush to figure them out. It feels good to know that – that I don’t have to make peace with every single part of this process before we can move forward. I remember realizing that around the time we were making the decision to pursue DI, and it is good to remember it now.
How’s by all of you? Anything you’re feeling peaceful about at the moment?
I think you’re right about not having to come to peace with every single part of it, but it’s still hard not to WANT to – to want that sheer utter “I’m cool with all of it” mentality. I think we all want that, but in different ways. I wish I was as excited as people want me to be, and in some ways I am, but in other ways I still have questions around what we’re doing and how things will change and if I’m okay with that. I think that’s all just part of being human – to worry, to wonder, to think about the parts that are unknown, and for you you have some extra factors for that unknown.
You are so amazing, and very intuitive – knowing that you need to be still to prepare a space in your heart for what’s to come.
Anna I have no idea what it would feel like to go down the DI road …. but I do know this –
When you and Manny have your beautiful baby in your arms, it will be your beautiful baby. This baby right here right now – all yours, to cherish forever. It could not NOT have been this baby. All the paths and twists it took for you three to all be together, all the love beaming from your hearts and spilling out onto each other. Nurturing and loving and so sacred and beautiful. And everything else will probably take a back seat.
People don’t need to know every aspect of our lives. I like to talk about my inner life online and IRL, but there is a lot I hold close to my chest.
Totally hearting you, over there in Maplesyrupland XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
I agree with Eden, once that baby is in your arms, I think everything else will melt into the background. Regardless, I am amazed at how wonderfully you’re able to live in the present, in the moment and be at peace with the unknown. I think I could learn a lot from your example.
I agree with what these other wise women have said.
And I add this: no one else’s opinion on your conception/birth story matters. Only the ones directly involved.
Clarity and peace are much more attainable this way.
I definitely echo what the others have said. I will also say that as far as connecting as a family, sharing DNA doesn’t make that automatic either. I think there is always at least some struggle there to figure out how things will work when you add a new little one to the family, it changes relationships, routines, everything.
I am so excited to hear all about this little one when the time comes
There may always be something unresolved about the DI stuff, but that’s okay. You’re going to be gaga over this kid, likely from the moment you set eyes on him/her, and yes, it will make the other issues seem less crucial for the time being. You can work with Manny, if he struggles at some point, but that’s not your battle to fight, in many ways.
It’s hard, but I think the biggest things often do go unresolved, sometimes permanently. But that’s being human.
Funny – I’ve been thinking about the whole disclosure issue lately too – although we have not conceived we are also ‘working on it’…with donor IUI. We’ve told some people what we’re up to but lots of our close friends and family don’t know. One thing on my mind is just the child’s privacy. But I’m also a terrible liar (what do I say if it actually works??). And there is something unfair about having to keep it under wraps when we are so sure that it is the right decision for us. Curious to hear your thoughts on this as they evolve…
I ditto all of the wise, intuitive comments above. It would be hard ~not~ to feel vunerable about having a secret regarding your baby’s conception. But like Eden said, when you hold your baby for the first time nothing else seems to matter.
I have held on to so much pain for so long after my miscarriages. But after my baby was born, it was all gone and I was left with a feeling that THIS was the baby I was meant to have. Up until the very moment of his birth, I was paralyzed with fear of all the things that could go wrong, but all those fears dissipated. POOF. And all that was left was my new family.
I love how you approach this with such grace. I have often wondered how we would handle a donor scenario, were that the path on which we found ourselves. And I just don’t know how I’d feel.
But I love that you embrace the fact that this will be a lifelong journey for the three of you, that you don’t have all the answers and may *never* have them all either. It just exhibits a kind of peace that I don’t often find in myself. I like that.
You are so right! I think more so than with just having done IVF, IUI, or Fertility drugs donor conception becomes a part of the fabric of your family. It sticks with you forever. From what I can tell over the last 19 months there are weeks, months that you don’t give it a second thought and then there are periods where you will think about it a lot. It isn’t something that gets swept under the rug.
Very few people know at this point and I don’t think anyone outside of family will “know” until Mason is old enough to decide to talk about it or not. It is a tough secret. I choose not to tell at this point because I feel it is more Mason’s (and Mark’s) story to tell.
You all will be an amazing family and I can’t wait to hear the news the baby is here!
I think that you are right realizing it will be a lifelong journey – not necessarily a bad or difficult thing, just something else in the patchwork that makes up life. But as everyone says, I’m sure it will be a small thing once your child gets there (and your hormones clear up). And I think that a balance of not having it a secret that you used a donor but also not needing to make it everyone;s business has got to be right.
I have two beautiful boys via donor sperm, and we have told some people and not others. I too worried how my hubby would feel when the baby came. Would it be an instant family, would my hubby feel some disconnect. What will people say if the baby doesnt look like him at all.
But it all fell into place. We still get comments about how one of our sons looks just like his daddy, and we just smile. Usually when someone asks who he looks like, we just say that “he is his own person” bypassing the whole he looks like his mommy or daddy. People seem to see what they want to see.
We just see two beautiful baby boys that are born in our hearts and are loved by each of us as our own!
Take care on this journey and dont sweat the small things. Live and let God.
hi! i like your blog very much and it seems we agree on lots of things.. gardening, yoga and donors to name a few. we are a few days away from doing IVF with donor eggs and it’s nice to read about you and the place you are in your life with the donor process… i have often thought about how and when and what if and i have faith that however my life unfolds, it will unfold exactly as it needs to, revealing lessons and opportunities to experience wonderful and marvelous things. peace and light to you as you uncover and enjoy many amazing moments!
I know the answer will come to you eventually. It’s nothing you have to address immediately. Just take time to drink in your baby, and cherish the new love that will unfold. Previous commenters are right… your path has lead you to THIS baby. Not another baby, this one. And this is the baby you will love. You will not be able to imagine any different scenario once this little one grabs your heart.
Sounds like you are really grounded with all of this sweetie…and there will be moments of oh crap how do I handle this, but like you said you have time to work through it and we have this great community to pester with questions
and I just saw your new post–you are so close!!! Thinking of you!
I like that. Being at peace with your vulnerability. Cripes, I never looked at it that way before because I rarely, if ever, allow myself to be vulnerable. Good for you. You don’t have to figure it out all, sometimes “I don’t know” is the best response. I don’t think you have to send out announcement cards or inform every person in your life about the Donor status. Not that it’s a secret, it’s just pointless, in a way. You don’t have to explain anything like it’s a prefix to the child’s name or something, both Manny and you will be parents to a wonderful, beautiful child. The end.
I don’t think everyone needs to know your/the baby’s full story either. I’m sure you’ll work things out as you go along! (((hugs)))
P.S. Dh & I were just off for a week. I had a big long “to do” list & I don’t think anything got crossed off. But we had a relaxing time & that’s the main thing. Enjoy this time, because you know you’re going to be busy soon!!