Still waiting

Yup, still waiting. My doula says I sound too cheerful to be on the verge of labour, but I am feeling that coming to an end with each passing day. I am ready to meet the wee bit and get on with living the life I’ve been dreaming about and working towards for so long. Not to mention getting a break from the 8 or so pounds of baby that is currently pressing on my pelvis. Oy!

Not in labour

That is all – will write more later. Oh, and run, do not walk, to your nearest cinema to see “Where the Wild Things Are.”

state of the, er, cervical nation

Never thought I’d be putting this kind of info out to the entire world, but weird things happen when you are 38 weeks pregnant. According to my doctor, I am 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. But I am not in labour. I learned that I need to include that with the previous info, cause I think I got my doula all excited, and my mother called while I was out at acupuncture, all in a tizzy. I pretty much need to make “I am not in labour” the subject line of all emails from here on out, and use it as my standard greeting when making a phone call. So while there is significant progress towards us meeting the wee bit, and it could happen any time now, it is not happening right this minute.

However, I am very, very excited. And a bit nervous and freaked out, because I don’t feel ready. My house is not the spotless shining bastion of coziness that I want it to be when I come home with a floppy newborn. You can bet that I will be working on that tomorrow, and for however many days we have left before we get to meet this little human. And also – can one ever be completely ready for a change this big? I sort of doubt it. It’s just too big for my hormone-drunk brain to fathom.

where has the time gone?

Napping, cooking, swimming, cleaning, preparing, processing, erranding, meeting with my doula, spending time with Manny. And napping.

Dear me, I think this may be a record for time between posts. So much for thinking that once I was off work, I would write more. Partly I’ve been cocooning myself as much as possible, preparing the space in my heart for what is about to happen to my life, to our life. It has taken all this time to bring some of the heavier stuff to light. I tend to work that way – the sign of a true introvert, I think – in that I just need a lot of time alone doing what feels right in the moment, not pushing anything too hard, not journalling, or thinking, or analyzing, but instead just being. And then insight will come, and things will shake loose, and the way will open up.

And the insights have come, finally. For the entire pregnancy until this week, I wasn’t feeling anything about the donor issues except gratitude and happiness that we were finally getting our chance. But on some level, I think I was always waiting for things to flare up, knowing there were things that were not completely resolved or at least that there are parts of this journey we have yet to make our way through. More the latter, really – that this is going to be a lifelong journey for us as a family. Not to say that I think it’s going to be a problem or a struggle – because I really don’t believe that – but more that our having used donor sperm to create this baby is part of our story as a family now.

So this week I’ve done a little bit of opening up to what this means to me right now, and I guess what I’ve discovered is that I have some fears about how we will connect as a family of three. In my heart of hearts, I have a lot of faith that all will unfold beautifully and that we will figure it out together with ease and grace. But there are still questions there, some vulnerability, some fear. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or a sign of my tremendous spiritual growth (the hormones, almost certainly!) but for right now, once I was able to see all of this with some clarity and could find words to express all of it, I feel really at peace with the vulnerability. I don’t need to figure it all out now or have any more certainty that it will all work itself out.

I’ve also got some anxiety about how we will handle the secret/not-secret of this baby’s origins. Lots of people close to us know, but lots don’t. I’m not sure how long that will be sustainable, but at the same time, I’m quite sure that certain people will be better off not knowing and that Manny and I and the baby will be better off with them not knowing. It just feels weird to go into this time of excitement and anticipation and joy and openness and vulnerability without being completely honest. Because I am so explosively proud of us, of our decision, of how we have worked through it all so far, and most of all, of this new life who will be joining us soon. And a secret just doesn’t seem to fit with all that right now.

Within a few weeks, my mind will be otherwise occupied and fussing over these questions will be put aside for a while. Which is fine, because there is no rush to figure them out. It feels good to know that – that I don’t have to make peace with every single part of this process before we can move forward. I remember realizing that around the time we were making the decision to pursue DI, and it is good to remember it now.

How’s by all of you? Anything you’re feeling peaceful about at the moment?