Thanks, all you fabulous readers, for your comments, thoughts and good wishes. Every single one of you has helped me feel better these last few days. Truly, there are no words other than: “I’m so grateful for each one of you.Thank you.”
Things are feeling better. I had acupuncture on Tuesday and she worked on my emotional points, and I saw my counsellor on Wednesday, who reminded me that the medical system sucks, big time. Yes, those were her words. I love her. It was a good reality check – that they have shut down their compassion because they are in a difficult situation and a stressful system, so it is nothing personal when they are jerks, and I am not the only one who gets hurt by the system and its lack of humanity. It’s not that it shouldn’t be different, but it just isn’t. For some reason, it helped to hear this, mostly in terms of the other thing I took from our session, which is to be like water – gentle, persistent, and strong, not letting the obstacles prevent me from getting where I need to go. (Hence the title of this post.) She told me to expect resistance, expect obstacles – but don’t let them define me or my situation. I need to think more creatively – maybe we can do an insemination at home, maybe they will treat me if I just return to doing unmedicated cycles that don’t need monitoring but instead rely on OPKs, or maybe I can just be in process and take another break and maybe there are blessings in that I just don’t see yet.
The way I’m feeling today is that I’ll probably do the latter. We have been so busy with our moving preparations (more on that later) that I just don’t feel like I have it in me today to work out anything with my clinic. I’m just tired. I know that getting them to agree to doing inseminations at home – just vaginal insemination, nothing fancy – would be a stretch. To say that they don’t seem particularly flexible would be an understatement. However, it would just be the cost of the samples and it’s no skin off their noses. So I haven’t made up my mind yet.
We also have to choose a new donor, as we are out of the samples we bought back in April, and since they didn’t work, there’s no reason to stick with that guy. He had no reported pregnancies, so maybe he’s a dud. This time we’re going to go with someone who has reported pregnancies – I hope we can find someone we feel good about, though. The first donor seemed so perfect, to both of us, and it was nice to feel some kind of connection to the donor, even just through the profile. We are going with open ID, so there is a very real possibility that our child will meet this person some day, and I’d really prefer it if I don’t think the guy is sort of a bonehead from the beginning. I guess people can change a lot in 18 years, but when someone can’t think of a favourite book, that just says “boring” to me.
Other than that, I’m up to my eyeballs in packing, and we’re running out of newspaper to pack with. We’re aiming to get our house listed by Wednesday, and I am feeling confident that the house will look great by then. Friends are coming to help, and a lot of stuff is already packed into the little shipping container sitting in our back yard. In the past week, I’ve learned more about mortgages than I ever thought I could understand – I am a financial idiot, and know nothing about that stuff. But it turns out I’m not so dumb – I just needed a chance to learn. I shopped around and found us a way better deal than our current bank is giving us, and I’m happy about that. Gotta factor in the next major sperm purchase into the whole budget plan, so saving hundreds of bucks on our monthly mortgage payment is awesome news.
There you have it friends. I’m trying to be like water. Maintaining a heart of peace, but fighting for what I need.
I’ll keep you posted.
You have a lot on the go. You are so strong and compassionate… you deseve happiness in life and I know it will happen for you. Good luck with your move, and the discussion with your clinic when you get to that point. I hope they meet your needs this time!
Yes, my friend. You are like water.
And they are like m*therf*ckers. And Water beats M*therf*cker every time.
I am so sorry for your situation, but so inspired by your response. I am glad that you have found relief from other medical practitioners (or at least confirmation that your feelings were valid), and I am glad that you are ready to consider a new donor.
Mostly though, I’m commenting just to wish you peace, peace and more peace.
Oh, I have to go get some therapy! That water analogy is absolutely wonderful! I’ll remember it.
“maybe there are blessings in that I just don’t see yet”, I also love this and have thought about it a lot with my own situation. I’m reminded that things usually tend to work out for me, just not always on my timeline or exactly how I’d pictured them.
I am a financial idiot too. I’ve been through the house thing (which for me was very stressful by the way), and am STILL a dummy when it comes to money!
Take care, my blogsister!
Hugs
I love the water analogy, I will be using it for sure. I am glad you are doing a bit better, I still wish I could hug ya though.
If you ever decide to do home insems I can totally teach ya I used to teach couples for my midwife at times.
Sending lots of light your way!!
Oh, Anna. You have been water all along. I will take this analogy and tuck it away. It seems like symbolism that can fit so many areas of life. Thanks for sharing.
I am continuing to envision you in your new home with a brand new bundle of joy. Wishing you peace until that comes true.
Been catching up….((hugs))
I’m way on the other side of your turmoil (14+ years of infertility and one adoption) but reading about it made me remember our last infertility work up and the countless moments of bad encounters w/ the medical professionals. *shudder*
I remember sitting in a lobby once surrounded by pregnant women when the nurse stepped out and handed me a blue slip with a HUGE “NOT PREGNANT” stamp on it. Coud it have killed her to take me inside? So yes…most are just automatons getting through their days and don’t give a hoot about the patient’s sensibilities….so hang in there…won’t get easier but at least you’ll know what to “not” expect from them.
Congratulations on the house!!! Can’t wait to see pictures!
Oh Anna…..I am so so sorry. Sorry that you aren’t pregnant right now, sorry that your clinic treated you so completely like shit. And sorry that it has taken me so long to catch up and find out how you are.
I too love the water analogy. I remember a couple pivotal points in my journey where water, or the image of being in water, was a huge metaphor for me, something I could hold onto in the midst of so much uncertainty and pain. I hope this analogy, like water itself, will carry you through, allow you to rest, and give you faith that life is moving and you are being carried by it – you are a part of it.
I am excited to see your new house – and cannot imagine how you are handling all of this at once – I would be a complete stress case. I think that there is a blessing for you though even in the fact that you have learned so much about mortgages so quickly and were able to find a better deal on your own. I love how you said you just needed the chance to learn. I feel like this is so true of you in general. You are unstoppable. Whatever confuses you, whatever is unknown, whatever blocks your way – it is not impossible – you just need the chance to learn it, to tackle it, to digest it and find your own creative way through it. As you always, always do.
I believe in you. I am holding hope for you (even when I am terrible at keeping in touch) My thoughts and heart are with you.
Hi Anna,
I remember we were remodeling while I was trying to get pregnant (and quit my job) and I thought I might just lose my mind . . . but I didn’t!
You hang in there, girl!
Water is one of the strongest forces on earth.
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. It’s so hard not to be in control.
And if I had sperm, I would send you some. But, uh, yeah. I don’t. And that is perhaps a bit creepy. But I hope you get a fabulous new donor to go along with your fabulous new house!
Head up, persevere – never give up, Anna, you will win. Like Niagara Falls, you are powerful, unstoppable and indefatigible.
Water always moves by the path of least resistance, and that’s a good thing. I think moving, selling a house, AND figuring out the next DI step would be like flowing up hill. You’ll get to everything, but maybe you need a mental break and time to settle in to your new house.
You still have lots of options, even if the clinic people are complete idiots and have no idea how to properly treat someone with IF.
I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better and that you have good emotional and physical support.
You always amaze and impress me with your tao of everything. You are definitely water and thats why I am always learning from you.
I’m so sorry the cycle was a bust and the medical people are made of poo. But I am so excited for you and the new home and all the new beginnings this will bring.
Perhaps getting settled into the house is supposed to help you make way for a pregnancy next year? Everything does happen for a reason.
xoxo
like water — strong but adaptable, setting your own course when something gets in your way. I like it.
good luck with the packing!
I love you mate.
I read this post yesterday, and have thought about it ever since. I actually told my stepson about the water analogy, as he’s having shit with his mum. He LOVED it, really understood it.
So thank you, for spreading your wise sageness far and wide, across the earth.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOX
My dear Anna. You are such a wonderfully strong, wise and compassionate woman.
I know that you will figure out what is best for you over the next few months – whether that is doing home inseminations, using the time to search for a new donor, or simply taking a break from treatment and focusing on the move.
Whatever you decide, we will all be here to support you.
I love this post. I feel bad that I haven’t checked in in awhile, and am just learning about the shit you’ve been dealing with. Mostly your comments about realizing that, once again, you wouldn’t be pregnant by Christmas, really struck a chord with me. When I learned we were going to have to take a break and yet another Christmas would go by with no baby in sight, it nearly broke my heart.
But I am like water, my friend. Crazy water, but water nonetheless.
This is my first visit, so I am just getting a glimpse and the first taste of your story. Your image here is one of such strength, but I know there is a lot of pain beneath and that sucks and I’m sorry. The lack of compassion at your clinic is amazing to me. But the pain of starting your cycle when that is the very last thing you want to see, that I know.
I hope you can get through this Christmas like water and begin a new with the new year.
Love the water analogy: So fluid and flexible and yet, in a rage, it can destroy everything in it’s path.
Good luck with the move and everything. You guys certainly have a lot going on!
You have so much going on… You are one badass lady, my friend.
And if you want me to come up there and choke someone at your clinic, just let me know.
Hang in there, Anna!
Heh. The comment above looks like “Hang in there, Anal”
Heh.
Just stopping by, to say thank you for your wonderful wise comments. You are a bloody amazing person, truly ruly. You have such piercing insight, compassion, empathy.
You are going to make one HELL of a mother.
XOXOXXOXOXOXO
Just making sure you’re ok and sending hugs!
I feel like such a shit for missing all that’s been going on in your life — but it’s not because I didn’t care. I just didn’t know. But I do now and your last two posts really packed a wallop. I so admire your ability to bounce back and get your mind focused on what comes next. You are a tough and incredibly resilient woman. Apologies again for not being there Nov 5 when you were looking for support.