Yeah, I know. I’m a bad, bad blogger. I linger around, commenting on the details of everyone else’s life, but with me, it’s only borscht and surface details once or twice a month. Pathetic.
Well, it’s not for lack of interesting things going on. I’m not quite sure why I haven’t been posting lately – partly that things were going pretty well for a while and I was busy and distracted and therefore less in need of pouring my guts out, and partly that I had procrastinated for so long and felt so guilty and ashamed and at a loss as to where to jump back in again that it was just too daunting to start writing again.
Lucky for you, internets, the craptacular-ness has returned. Nothing really serious, just feeling blue and vulnerable and scared and all that. So let’s bullet, shall we? There are lots of little things I need to catch you up on.
- Got my period today and start Clomid tomorrow. Am freaked and excited. Am also dreading possible hormonal nightmare during our first joint family Thanksgiving – Manny’s parents, sister, and BIL and my grandparents, uncle, cousin and her boyfriend. Could be good, could be ugly – 2 old ladies with dementia! Yay! As long as I don’t have a hot flash or crying jag in the middle of it, it will be bearable. I think.
- Got my period today after a week of hormonal weepiness. Feeling so raw and sad all the time sucks. Especially when I was expecting my period last weekend and kept having crazy pregnant fantasies.”Maybe just one sperm jumped the turnstiles and made it to my egg the one time in the past month we actually had sex! It’s possible, right? Right? RIGHT??????????????”
- Fuck, I hate my mind and her stupid tricks.
- Read some blog by a donor conceived guy in Australia who used to be totally fine with being donor conceived until he had his own child and now he’s totally against it. Fucking great. Why do I read those things? I have this idea that I need to be compassionate and open my heart to all possibilities and try to hold them all with love and tenderness, but all it really does it make me circle the bowl of doubt and freak out that I might be dooming my future child to a life of torment and anguish. Ugh.
- Support group has first meeting next Tuesday and is going AWESOMELY! I’ve talked to 3 women now and everyone is so happy I’ve made this happen. It’s so good to get that kind of validation from others who are in or have been through the trenches, hearing that they need it and are grateful for the work I’ve done so far. I still haven’t found anyone to facilitate the group, but I’m still trying. I think it’ll be ok either way, but will take a lot of pressure off me if I’m not the one doing it. Must remember to take care of self…
- Women’s circle is also coming together. I met with two women who have been involved in another circle for many years, and they are going to help me create a new one. I’m excited about this and am feeling way more at peace with the uncertainty of it all. It’s all very wide open, which is not something I really excel at, but I’m learning to trust the process. Slowly, though.
- It’s really fall here – leaves are mostly off the trees, it’s getting colder and colder every day. We might even get snow over the weekend. I like fall but the fact that it precedes a long and miserably cold winter seriously puts a damper on my enjoyment of it.
- We have tickets to see Neil Young in a couple weeks, and I might go see Feist the night after that, too. There is an absurd amount of good music coming these next few weeks – Bob Dylan is coming in November, I think, but we were planning to be away for that weekend. Too many choices…
- All I want to do right now is drink tea, cuddle my dog, and weep. But I’ll probably get up soon and start cleaning up my house and also hiding all the copies of “Creating Families” and IF books I have lying around. The last thing I need during Thanksgiving dinner is a slightly batty old lady asking me what’s up with that.
I heart you all. Thank you for not abaondoning me completely. My blog stats are oddly busy considering my totaly flakiness in posting. Will seriously attempt more regular posting in near future. Truly.
ETA: One more thing – it’s my wedding anniversary today. Four years ago today, Manny and I got married to each other for the second time. The first time was seven years ago last Sunday. Go us! Although I am super lame and can’t find any wedding photos in this computer…
Dearest Anna, my blogsista…
I think if you didn’t take a blog break once and a while, then there might be something wrong with you. I think it’s healthy, especially when you blog about something so deep and personal.
I’m just glad you are doing ok. I’ve thought about you. Wondered…
Snow? ohmygosh! In Virginia, the leaves have barely begun to change and it’s supposed to be in the 80’s next week. Somewhere between snow and 80’s would be ideal.
Hugs
You’re not a bad blogger- you’re just doin’ your thang. I sincerely feel that we all on occasion need to step back and live a little life to recharge the blogging batteries. And as much as we all love to share our words, sometimes silence really is golden.
Yay Clomid! But grr to awkward family dynamics. But yay to getting everyone in the same room together for a holiday! That’s only happened once with H and I and will never happen again. My parents are in TX, his mom is in Spokane and his dad is in Germany. And I’m pretty distant from my cousins. And my only living grandparent is my dad’s mom, and she’s a nightmare who my dad hasn’t spoken to in almost 20 years because of her terribleness. So. Yay for having family that you like enough to invite to your house!
Ah, the mind games. I’m currently dealing with my own, which is that I’ve been feeling funny for the last few days, and so my brain automatically thinks, “you could be pregnant!”, and then the other part of my brain is like, “you big dummy- not only are you infertile, you’re also on the PILL…” But it doesn’t mean that the flash of a second where I forget that it’s impossible isn’t a nice little moment, you know?
I think you will always have questions about the donor process, but the fact is that you know you’re doing what you need to in order to bring a baby in to your family. And any kid that is raised with your love and attention, AND who is raised knowing the lengths you went to in order to make her/him exist, has to know what a wonderful and loving thing you did by choosing a donor. It’s right. I think you know in your heart that your decision is a good one because you wouldn’t be going through this if it wasn’t. You can’t predict the mind of the child that you create, but you can raise that child with all the love and compassion in the world and hope that the mind will remember that more than whose DNA made the other half of him/her.
Good on the “circles” front. I sometimes wonder if I would have anything to add to a circle. I’m just in such an odd place right now. But it is attractive to me. I’m hoping JJ gets something going soon or points me towards another person who might take the reins since she’s now pregnant. Funny, but of all the NC bloggers I met that day, JJ, Samantha, M, and now Elizabeth are all expecting. It’s just me and Sue who aren’t. Makes me feel like I better hurry up and try before I lose that mojo.
Am jealous- JEALOUS -of the fabulous concerts you get to go to. No one ever comes here. The only show that’s come that was even remotely interesting was Ludacris, and I was told by my boss that I shouldn’t go, ‘cos it’s gonna be a bunch of teenage black boys and I’d feel really awkward. And she’s right. I think Elton John came once, which was exciting, but not always my kind of music. Oh, well.
If what you want to do is cuddle Lucky, drink tea and have a good cry, then I say that you should go for it. You’ve got months before you have to censor your reading materials. Sit back, read a book (or a blog!), have some tea and get puppy kisses. Sounds good to me!
PLEASE my dear dear woman, let the blog be one area of your life you NEVER feel guilt or shame about. It is YOUR blog, to be there when you need or take a break from as well.
Wonderful to hear from you.
YAY for clomid. I was really fine on it, I hope you are too.
I am jealous of your fall,we finally had a cooler day this week not in the 80’s but it will be hot again in a day or two.
SMOOCHES
Happy Anniversary.
You know, it’s a known fact that borscht makes people sad. Just read the Brothers Karamazov for proof.
Hey wonderful.. we must be in a similar space. I just put a pumpkin pie in the oven (well I have no idea if Canadians do such things on thanksgiving) and just want to drink tea, cuddle dogs,and weep. Why don’t you pack all your IF books and come on down for the weekend! I can even put on a crazy old batty lady impression if you need me too:) And our neighbors have a wonderful new puppy hanging around.
Happy Anniversary! You definately have alot on your mind. I have also been in the cuddle my dog (but change that word to cats) and weep stage. Raw emotions hurt the most, but are the ones that most need to be let out. You are such a kind, compassionate person. I know it’s hard to live through the crappy feelings & the mind games of infertility. I wish I could take it away from you. (Um, and me.)
Hello my lovely Anna.
* I am sorry that you got your period. How I wish that one spermie could have jumped the turnstile.
* I wish I could join your womens circle, I really do.
* You blog when you want to … blogging is strange, and can be quite the mindfuck sometimes. I might pull back a bit soon … I keep blurting EVERY aspect of my life, just feels weird sometimes.
* You just totally rock the motherfucking house down, you know.
* Hope your Thanksgiving is good … have some turkey for me. Gobble. Heh.
XOXOXOXOX
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY !!! I hope you have a wonderful day together.
If it makes you feel any better that donor conceived guys blog did my head in also. I just don’t read it anymore.
Hoping the clomid is easy on you.
welcome back anna, the internets have missed you!
Good luck with the clomid, I’m doing it next cycle too. And happy anniversary!
sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. definitely no need to apologize here. this is your space. good luck with the family. and happy anniversary!
Yay!!! You’re back! Never feel guilty about not blogging – its here for you, as are we. Sometimes you need us, sometimes you don’t! Blogging is hardly about being on a schedule.
I’m so excited for you about both the circle and the support group. You really are amazing Anna!
And the clomid. Eeek – exciting and scary all at the same time. I think your thanksgiving situation sounds like a blast (and the premise of a book). Enjoy having everyone around at the same time. My family’s not getting together at all this year so I’m sort of envious.
And I want to hear more about you and Manny marrying each other twice – that sounds like a good story!
Happy thanksgiving honey!
xoxo
I so hear you. Good luck with the Clomid (or the Pit of Despair as I called it). I love my support group too. It is totally different to meet people IRL who were having similar feelings.
Happy anniversary, anna and manny!
I’m sorry that you are still struggling with infertility and the range of feelings it brings in its wake, but glad to hear that plans for the women’s circle and the IF support group are going so well.
And don’t feel the need to apologise for not posting as much – as others have already said, it’s your blog to use as you see fit.
Stupid period.
Assvice: take Clomid right before bed: While you might get some hot flashes at night, if you’re like me–and I’m a hormonally sensitive delicate little endocrine flower–you’ll sleep through them. It also keeps the madwoman mostly at bay.
Glad the groups are proving successful and helpful! Go Anna!
Your infrequent posts just make an update all the sweeter!
Always glad to hear from you, but I echo what others have said–blog when ya feel it=)
Happy, happy anniversary! Ours is Wednesday-I love October weddings!
You’re not a bad blogger! Thank you for your support… it means a lot to me! I hope this is it for you!
Happy belated anniversary! (I’ve been away from my blog for awhile too.)